June 19, 2009
This morning we woke up bright and early to take Lo to her surgery but she had too much congestion to be put under. The procedure has been rescheduled for the 30th. She currently has two ear infections and is on antibiotics . . . . again. Poor kid.
Today was plenty awkward. Ex wasn’t particularly in the mood to acknowledge my presence. I think she felt pretty threatened by my being at such a parental event. She pulled the old interrupt-Lo-every-time-she-tries-to-talk-to-me bit and she and Partner were kind of at each other’s throats. I was stuck in the waiting room with Ex’s mom for a good chunk of the morning while they were performing the initial tests on Lo. Just awkward all around. But it didn’t bother me like it used to. Somehow, somewhere I just achieved this new-found confidence and none of her antics work me up. Frankly, I’m shocked by it but, of course, very pleased to feel free of the drama.
Father’s Day is coming up Sunday and Lo and I have a lot planned. Ex says she’ll have her back from the beach Sunday morning, but she said that last year and didn’t end up showing up until dinner time. I hope this year is different. Don’t get me started on going to the beach with a sick child. Apparently everyone in the world knows this is a terrible idea but Ex. What can I do?
June 16, 2009
Lo’s surgery is in two days and I am definitely nervous for her. I spoke with her about it and tried to play up the “laughing” gas and the tons of ice cream and she is enjoying grossing the world out with her disgustingly swollen tonsils, but I have a feeling that she is going to be feeling really scared once we actually get there.
We’re all taking her together as far as I know. I’m not sure if Ex knows that I am coming, but I can only assume she will be bringing someone with her, as well. Not sure whether she and R are on again or not, but my guess is that her mother or sister will come if not R. Anyway, I’ve been making the extra effort to be friendly, make eye contact, make conversation, etc. etc. etc. It seems to be working but I haven’t fooled myself into believing that I’ll ever know what she is genuinely thinking. The difference is, now, I don’t really care. I would love for us to get along famously, but I am ok no matter what mood she chooses. Ha, I feel like I always reach one of these plateaus and then she brings me down with some new outrageous scenario. But this time it feels like this feeling will last through anything. Only time will tell . . . .
Please keep the Little One in your thoughts this Thursday and in the following days as she recovers. We need all the positive energy we can get!
June 16, 2009
We are all getting along extremely well. It’s eerie . . . .
June 11, 2009
The past few weeks have been absolutely nuts.
Soooooo . . . . It’s Offiicial. My boyfriend has an EX-wife. Everything is square and good and life has been coming along quite nicely ever since. Things between Partner and Ex seem really pretty civil. I am feeling really good about her, too. Not that anything has changed, but I just have decided I am not gonna let her dictate who I am as a person and I’m not gonna let her drag me down. This weekend is Lo’s dance recital and we invited Ex to the party we’re having afterward. She probably won’t come and she probably won’t come to the next thing or the next thing, but hell, I’m just gonna keep inviting her. Because that’s how I do.
Lo started Pre-K in her daycare and the new teacher seems to have whipped her into shape quite fast. She’s not acting out in school or at home anymore. Seems like we successfully made it out of our last trough. I am a bit concerned because Ex broke up with R and I worry about how it will affect Lo, but hopefully it won’t too much. There’s no way of telling, honestly. Kids are so damn hit-or-miss.
The day after the divorce I left for LA for 4 days. The trip was a whirlwind, but a fun look back at what my life could look like now. Only a tiny fraction of me felt bittersweet about it. I don’t belong there anymore, but as Biggie would say, Cali- a great place to visit.
The following weekend I went to Pittsburgh to hang out with family. That trip sort of brought to light for me what a hard time I am having dealing with what happened between my sister and her husband. All of a sudden I am feeling really sad and angry, and worst of all am having such a hard time trusting Partner. He says everything in the world he could ever say to reassure me and he is unbelievably understanding, but I still can’t shake this nagging feeling of fear. It’s just something I am going to have to work on. Although trust is one thing I don’t really know how you teach yourself. It’s so instinctual. But if there is a way, I will find it.
I’ve begun studying for my Praxis tests. I can’t believe that after talking about going back to school for a year now, the process is finally getting started. Being a teacher is going to be such a dream. Don’t get me wrong, I know it will be incredibly challenging, but it is going to be so nice to finally feel like I have an adult job, to have amazing hours and summers off, and to really feel like I am a part of something that gives me the potential to make big changes in the world.
All in all, I have a feeling that my blog is going to be pretty boring for a while. I am happy. Things are good. No drama.
May 22, 2009
Lo’s behavior at school is improving this week. Of course, I would love to believe that it is ALL because she spent the weekend with us and because of all the new changes we made, but who the hell knows? Her drastic downward spiral last week and her improvement this week could be due to just about anything. I am just happy that she seems happier.
She’ll be with her Mom for Memorial Day Weekend, so Partner and I are flying solo. I have to work Sunday and Monday but the plan is to spend the day at the beach Saturday and get some good old fashioned QT. Tuesday is hypothetically the BIG DAY which, if it turns into a non-hypothetical, means we will be celebrating at Morimoto, a relatively famous sushi place we’ve been wanting to go to for a while now. I would be really really excited except I refuse to let myself be.
What I will let myself get excited for is that Wednesday I leave for LA!!! Back to my old stomping grounds from two summers ago. Most of my friends stayed out there so it’s going to be so great catching up with everyone and just being out there in that crusty, warm, LA air. There is this Decembrists song called, “Los Angeles, I’m Yours” that so perfectly portrays LA. The place is a joke. It’s shallow and terrible and laughable and flashy and tacky and empty and busy and it has endeared itself to me like a teenage sister who prances around making snide remarks and stealing your clothes, but whom you know is riddled with insecurity and you love her anyway. Going out there really does feel, in a way, like coming home again. Now, if I can only survive the monster earthquake they’re predicting . . . .
May 18, 2009
It’s pretty amazing the talent I have for relating every problem that Lo ever has to Ex’s poor parenting skills. It occurs to me today that if Ex were suddenly taken out of the picture and it were just Partner and I, Lo still wouldn’t be a perfect child. It also occurs to me that if I always see the fact that Ex is Lo’s mother as a disease, as something to be battled or treated, as a fatal flaw of Lo’s, then she will never be good enough for me. Lo and I will always have problems and I will never quite be able to love her the way that I should until I can not only accept the terms under which she exists, but find my way back to learning to love them, too.
I may not think much of Ex, but I sure don’t think much of the way I have let her determine the person I am lately. The person I used to be and the person I am under all of this baggage and hate, would have sent Ex a Mother’s Day card or gift whether or not the judge inside me deemed she deserved it. I would have done this because it is the right thing to do for my family, to keep reaching out, to never give up, to let her decide if she wants to be shitty but not let her drag me down with her.
It is up to me to be the change I hope to see in the world, or damnit, at least in this family. I want to go back to being proud of who I am and what I am giving this situation.
May 18, 2009
Finally some answers! They’re not exactly pleasant answers, but they ARE answers to fixable problems. Lo finally went to get her hearing tested ( I don’t remember if I blogged about this, but one of the behavioral issues concerning us was that Lo was constantly asking us to repeat ourselves and ignoring us) and she failed miserably. As it turns out, her adenoids and tonsils are so swollen that she is having an extremely tough time hearing, as well as breathing and sleeping. This explains so, so much. This is why she is always congested (not allergies!), this is why she has nightmares and is tired and cranky (it’s not all due to her switching between houses or the fact that her parents don’t agree on bedtimes!), and this is part of the reason why perhaps she feels so misunderstood. Hell, if I felt sick all the time and I couldn’t hear well and no one understood or could figure out what was wrong with me, I might develop some behavioral problems.
The organs are coming out in two weeks and with her recovery is a chance for some kind of fresh start for her.
While this explains a lot, though, I don’t think it is the answer to all of the issues, so if you were concerned, we are definitely still going ahead with our plans.
May 18, 2009
For the past week we’ve been trying to find a family/child therapist “in network” and it surprised me how hard it was. Most people that the insurance company recommended don’t even meet with children as young as four. Of the three that did, one was about to leave on a two week vacation, one had no time available, and the last one decided even though she was in network, that she didn’t want to take Lo’s insurance.
A fellow stepmom friend of mine recommended her family therapist, and even though she is out of network and it will cost us, I think it will be worth it. Besides coming recommended from someone I trust, I just got a great vibe from her on the phone. She asked a lot of questions and gave me a lot of information and said she would work with us on the cost and was just great. I really hope it works out.
I think the only person standing in our way now is Ex. She now apparently doesn’t think that Lo has any problems and is not sure if she is ok with it. She said she would want to be there, but then when Partner said she was more than welcome to attend, she got flustered and said she had to go back to work. So tbd.
Honestly, I think we are already making huge strides with the behavior stuff, at least at our house. I just want to figure out how we can translate that to school and how we can hope to have an impact on Lo’s character development and maintain a strong healthy relationship with her when her mother isn’t very supportive or willing to try anything. When you are with one parent more than another, how can you not feel like that parent cares more about you?
May 17, 2009
This morning I had waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. I took Lo to church and she enjoyed herself. Then we went to my parents house and she planted a garden with my mom and chased the ice cream truck with her dad and played on the neighbors new swing set. She was good.
This morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach just thinking about spending the day with her. By this afternoon it was gone and it felt like the old Lo was back. I think we can get her to be good for us, I have faith. Whether that will translate into her being good at school or with her mom, I have no idea.
Ex blew off the meeting with Partner this morning and told him she didn’t think Lo needed a behavior chart at school. I can only hope she’ll think of something better.
Tonight I have the house to myself. I am going to make some kickass avocado dip and drink some wine and finish Eat Pray Love. Life is good.
